Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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