now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
