Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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