so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize