Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I pour the whiskey from now on
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
