I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
