Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
