I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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