for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
