I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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