The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
nutella sex= disaster
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize