omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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