You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
