Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
