The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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