there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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