you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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