i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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