I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
