I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
