If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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