I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
