Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
