So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
