the condom got lost in my hair
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
