Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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