It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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