If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
