K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
