That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
