so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize