Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize