why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dear god my vagina.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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