Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize