I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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