i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
