You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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