Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you inspire me to be a worse person
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
