The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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