So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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