I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
