I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
