My hand turned me down
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
