Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Randomize
