dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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