you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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