this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
