I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
