We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
