How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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