A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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