Say something about gay babies.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize