rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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