hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
