Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
