I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize