I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
