I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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